Ehh....

Not much poker action here in bubland. It's been more about me and my wife getting right with each other. I'm an idiot sometimes. Although my idiocy has gotten better over the last couple of years I still do stupid things. Things that hurt my girl. The last thing that I want to do.

The only thing that I could think of to counter that is to get closer to God. That always seems to be the answer to my problems anymore. Although it's silly to think that I can keep God at arm's length it is something I try to do on a frequent basis. I don't think separating myself from God is a very good idea. I seem to do much better when I let his love fill me up inside. When that happens is when I am able to be a loving husband, father, friend and co worker.

Growing is painful. Growing is change. Growing takes time and effort. I'm not the most patient of people. I want to grab a hold of things NOW. God's idea of timely and mine are a little different. He's bigger than me so I generally let Him have His way. Plus He has lightning bolts. I'm not arguing with anyone that has lightning bolts.

Time to sleep. Just wanted to update my little blog. Ciao.

Struggle

One of my favorite blogs of the last couple of months has been Stuff Christians Like. Jon Acuff is an absolutely funny man. The thing is, that's not what I really love about him. It's the times when he turns off the funny and turns on the human that get me. His post this morning about polishing up our scars really hit home for me.

I'm forever doing this. Even on here. Not so much about my past. Anyone that has read me for awhile on this blog or my older one knows where I came from. Maybe it's not the scars that are doing me in. It's the fresh wounds that I seemingly willingly inflict upon myself that I can't share because of my embarrassment that I'm in the situation in the first place.

Even though I intellectually can comprehend that God's grace is there even when I slip up it doesn't make me feel any better at the time. I'm pretty new in my walk with Christ. I don't know The Bible. I don't even know if I'm supposed to capitalize "The Bible."

I don't even have any Christian friends besides my wife. I think that I just frustrate her. She's a Godly woman and I'm so far from that a lot of the time. I find myself constantly dwelling in my past or fearing the future. Being a drug addict it's fairly easy for me to slip into that line of thinking and not be able to stay in the present. That's when I get into trouble.

The kicker to the whole thing and maybe what I'm struggling with the most right now is that 99% of the time I'm doing the right thing. It's the circumstances of my life that are overwhelming me. Living the life that I have led there are consequences and they are kicking my ass right now.

My first instinct is to turn to my old ways. Either to get relief from the mental anguish or as a temporary solution to the permanent problem. I haven't done that. I keep asking God for the strength not to turn away from Him.

My second instinct is, well, I don't really know. That's where I get jammed up. I don't know. I don't know what the right thing to do is so I end up sitting on my hands. The positive thing for me is that I'm a seeker by nature. I'm trying to put good information and good ideas into my mind. Reading Christian blogs, going to church, trying to put myself out here and listen to what people that know more than I do have to say.

Jesus, I'm trying my best to keep my heart open to You. Please guide me through the pain and confusion that I feel in this world. I know that You alone are the answer. The light, the truth, the way. Restore my love for Your creation and not to live in fear. Keep me safe from the things that have destroyed me in the past. Lead me to victory over the evil that has conquered me in the past. Let me be a good husband, father, brother, and grandfather to my family. Hold me close to you, Lord. Amen.

5th of July

I'm back to work. What a drag. Can't I just play poker for a living? I'm tired. A couple of weeks off and my body isn't used to all the physicality of my job. I'll be alright. I've been so tired there's been no poker the last couple of days.

Not much God time either. There's church tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get filled up with The Spirit. I've been feeling kinda flat lately. That's no indictment of God. More an indictment of me not seeking Him. I'm half-ass praying (hmmm, I'm not sure if there's such a thing, but if there is, I'm there). I'm disappointed that I'm not going to be able to get my girls down here for the summer. I'm bummed about gas prices and just the cost of living in general. I keep trying to have faith that things are going to work out. They will. One way or the other.

Lord, keep me strong in doing your will and to take the actions that I need to without worrying about the results. Keep my family and friends safe in these uncertain times and deliver us from evil as you have been so lovingly doing. You ARE the way, the truth and the light. Please keep shining it so I can find my way through the darkness. Thanks for my life, your humble child, Paul.

The streak is over

Well, I didn't make it to the money. Played in the viejas morning tournament. Got down to the final 3 tables though. I had been moved to my last table to the very right of the hugest stack in the tournament. I mean he had me outchipped probably 20 to 1 when I sat down. I doubled through him once but I wasn't so lucky the second time. I picked up 4-4. I pooshed. He called with A-K. He hit K on the flop. No help on the turn or river and I am el finito. Oh well.

What's my next move? Head over to the 3-6 limit table for a little limit cash action. Good thing too. I played nice and tight. I guess it would be a TAG that I was playing. I only got called down once and it was with the nuts flush. After that I got called to the turn a couple of times before people would fold to my turn bets. I played good position as well. The key hand as far as it being a winning session was this. It was a kill pot (which makes the game a 6/12 hand) and after a couple of calls I look down to find A-J. I'm one or two to the left of the button and I 2-bet it. One of the guys behind me calls and then the original caller raise all in with 3 more chips. The 3 of us left in the pot all call and the flop comes A-J-x. Checked to me, I bet (slightly afraid of a flush draw) and get called by the 2 guys that still have chips. Another rag on the turn, checked to me I bet out my 12 chips and both guys fold behind me. It's a showdown between me and the all-in. I turn over my A-J and he mucks it before the river is even dealt. It was a nice pot, more than doubled up my buy in. I hung out for a couple of more hands and then racked up my chips and went home to fight another day.