It's days like these that make me crazy. I can't for the life of me fall asleep. I'm not sure what brings it on, I'm tired but my head is running like crazy. Nothing of any importance, mostly random thoughts. I've tried laying down about 5 or 6 times. My eyes keep popping open. Sigh. I already called in. There's nothing worse than trying to work without any sleep. Maybe I should amend that. I'm sure there are way worse things than that. OK, really too tired to type anything meaningful.
I finally put some money on full tilt last night. I've been on a major blog reading craze lately and couldn't resist the urge to play against the people that I have been reading about for the last year. As ghey as this is probably going to sound, it was pretty exciting. Listening to Buddydank radio as you're playing in the tournament is pretty awesome, even if the one time I heard my name called he pronounced it "boob" instead of bub as in "tub". Still, it was awesome just to get the chance to play with everyone. I had katiemother to my right for a little bit. I'm sure she didn't know who I was but I knew who she was. I sucked out a few hands and was playing OK until I started watching American Idol after the second break. First hand after the second break I wasn't paying attention, I just saw that LJ had pushed all in and I looked down at AKs so I pushed. I'm not sure (because I wasn't paying attention) if the person to the left of me pushed after me or had already gone in, I just realized I wasn't heads up against LJ. She showed KQ, the other person had JJ and neither me or her improved and we were out 31st and 30th. Anyways, it was an absolute blast, will definitely do it again.
This afternoon I decided to try out one of the 90 person sng's with the KO's. Is that what they call them? I'm not sure but I did pretty well.
I hope this works I've never tried it before. Anyways I came in 2nd. Not bad for my first one.
I have no idea why I'm not posting on here. Maybe because the last post came off as so morbid to me. Let's see. Poker stuff. Hmmm... In the last 10 live tournaments I have played in I have made the final table in 6 of them. Unfortunately, I haven't played live since February. I'm not having the same kind of success online. Not that I'm losing much... maybe $25 in the last 2 months. I could probably play indefinitely if I managed my money a little better but I get bored and impatient and start playing outside of my bankroll. I definitely like playing live tournaments better than anything.
God stuff. Hmmmm, I'm trying. I'm sure that God finds me very trying. I'm not Mr. Dudley Doright christian guy yet. Probably will never be. That doesn't mean that I have stopped trying though. There's things that I struggle with. I stopped going to meetings for awhile and I ended up heading to Vegas the weekend the chargers played the patriots and ended up drinking. Sigh. Two, almost three years of consecutive clean time down the drain. I know this means nothing to someone not in the program but if you are in the program you know what I mean. It's just a drag. I've been struggling with getting myself back on the inside of NA. It's hard for me. I don't know why.
I struggle with what God's purpose for me is. Maybe the struggle isn't in HIS purpose for me but my purpose for me. I think we have a different set of ideals. But him being God and omnipotent and all we might just have to strive for his way. The funny thing about that is when I do follow that path I feel alot better about things. My best thinking has gotten me fucked up like a soup sandwich. The things that I think are going to make me happy seem to just make me emptier inside.
So to summarize. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm doing relatively well. Better than Brandi Hawbaker. God rest that poor girl's soul. I've had that kind of madness in my life and understand that feeling of not wanting to go on anymore and to stop thinking. Fortunately, I've always had just enough hope and a healthy fear of dying not to actually go through with those thoughts. R.I.P. Brandi.