Puzzling.

I have no idea why I'm not posting on here. Maybe because the last post came off as so morbid to me. Let's see. Poker stuff. Hmmm... In the last 10 live tournaments I have played in I have made the final table in 6 of them. Unfortunately, I haven't played live since February. I'm not having the same kind of success online. Not that I'm losing much... maybe $25 in the last 2 months. I could probably play indefinitely if I managed my money a little better but I get bored and impatient and start playing outside of my bankroll. I definitely like playing live tournaments better than anything.

God stuff. Hmmmm, I'm trying. I'm sure that God finds me very trying. I'm not Mr. Dudley Doright christian guy yet. Probably will never be. That doesn't mean that I have stopped trying though. There's things that I struggle with. I stopped going to meetings for awhile and I ended up heading to Vegas the weekend the chargers played the patriots and ended up drinking. Sigh. Two, almost three years of consecutive clean time down the drain. I know this means nothing to someone not in the program but if you are in the program you know what I mean. It's just a drag. I've been struggling with getting myself back on the inside of NA. It's hard for me. I don't know why.

I struggle with what God's purpose for me is. Maybe the struggle isn't in HIS purpose for me but my purpose for me. I think we have a different set of ideals. But him being God and omnipotent and all we might just have to strive for his way. The funny thing about that is when I do follow that path I feel alot better about things. My best thinking has gotten me fucked up like a soup sandwich. The things that I think are going to make me happy seem to just make me emptier inside.

So to summarize. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm doing relatively well. Better than Brandi Hawbaker. God rest that poor girl's soul. I've had that kind of madness in my life and understand that feeling of not wanting to go on anymore and to stop thinking. Fortunately, I've always had just enough hope and a healthy fear of dying not to actually go through with those thoughts. R.I.P. Brandi.