Struggle

One of my favorite blogs of the last couple of months has been Stuff Christians Like. Jon Acuff is an absolutely funny man. The thing is, that's not what I really love about him. It's the times when he turns off the funny and turns on the human that get me. His post this morning about polishing up our scars really hit home for me.

I'm forever doing this. Even on here. Not so much about my past. Anyone that has read me for awhile on this blog or my older one knows where I came from. Maybe it's not the scars that are doing me in. It's the fresh wounds that I seemingly willingly inflict upon myself that I can't share because of my embarrassment that I'm in the situation in the first place.

Even though I intellectually can comprehend that God's grace is there even when I slip up it doesn't make me feel any better at the time. I'm pretty new in my walk with Christ. I don't know The Bible. I don't even know if I'm supposed to capitalize "The Bible."

I don't even have any Christian friends besides my wife. I think that I just frustrate her. She's a Godly woman and I'm so far from that a lot of the time. I find myself constantly dwelling in my past or fearing the future. Being a drug addict it's fairly easy for me to slip into that line of thinking and not be able to stay in the present. That's when I get into trouble.

The kicker to the whole thing and maybe what I'm struggling with the most right now is that 99% of the time I'm doing the right thing. It's the circumstances of my life that are overwhelming me. Living the life that I have led there are consequences and they are kicking my ass right now.

My first instinct is to turn to my old ways. Either to get relief from the mental anguish or as a temporary solution to the permanent problem. I haven't done that. I keep asking God for the strength not to turn away from Him.

My second instinct is, well, I don't really know. That's where I get jammed up. I don't know. I don't know what the right thing to do is so I end up sitting on my hands. The positive thing for me is that I'm a seeker by nature. I'm trying to put good information and good ideas into my mind. Reading Christian blogs, going to church, trying to put myself out here and listen to what people that know more than I do have to say.

Jesus, I'm trying my best to keep my heart open to You. Please guide me through the pain and confusion that I feel in this world. I know that You alone are the answer. The light, the truth, the way. Restore my love for Your creation and not to live in fear. Keep me safe from the things that have destroyed me in the past. Lead me to victory over the evil that has conquered me in the past. Let me be a good husband, father, brother, and grandfather to my family. Hold me close to you, Lord. Amen.