Geez

Playing NLHE ring game on full tilt is nice. Getting all my money in with AA vs. KK is awesome. Having said Aces cracked really makes me question God's sense of humor. Sigh.

Final Table

I made a final table yesterday in a MTT. Even though I went out in 9th it was a great learning experience. I'd love to be able to win one of these things eventually. I've won in limit tourneys online but not NL. I am learning to play less borderline hands which I'm sure has helped me immeasurably.

I went out 65th in The Mookie. Man, I was completely owned by erin26. I kept getting involved in hands with her and kept getting the worst of it. I finally pushed with KQs and she called me with AK and an ace hit the flop to finish me off. It was one of those nights where I knew that I was getting outplayed. Oh well, better luck next week.

On the God front, all sorts of good things have been happening this week. First, the teaching pastor at Journey, Ed Noble, has started his own blog, Ed's Journey. This is the guy that really made me take my first steps toward being a Christ follower. It's been awesome to be able to get a thought or two from him during the week. Check it out.

The other great thing about Ed starting a blog is that I have found a lot of other great Christian blogs that have been linked to him or are leaving comments. That was one of the things I was struggling with before, finding Christ centered blogs that are similar to my own beliefs. I guess you do get what you pray for, sometimes you just have to be patient.

On the life front, I'm struggling. I'm not using, as a matter of fact I got 90 days a couple weeks ago. Just the same-o, same-o. Fighting depression, not content with what I have, a lot of fear about losing the little that I do have. Besides that, I'm great! I'm praying more frequently, I've taken a couple suggestions from the messages that I've received at Journey the last couple of weeks, and I'm trying to stay in line with what God's will is for me. It's a constant struggle for me to overcome my ego and my own selfish interests. It's something that I constantly have to ask God to help me with. The great thing is that He does. It's wonderful to get even a moment's break from my own self-obsession.

Days Like These

It's days like these that make me crazy. I can't for the life of me fall asleep. I'm not sure what brings it on, I'm tired but my head is running like crazy. Nothing of any importance, mostly random thoughts. I've tried laying down about 5 or 6 times. My eyes keep popping open. Sigh. I already called in. There's nothing worse than trying to work without any sleep. Maybe I should amend that. I'm sure there are way worse things than that. OK, really too tired to type anything meaningful.

My First Mookie

I finally put some money on full tilt last night. I've been on a major blog reading craze lately and couldn't resist the urge to play against the people that I have been reading about for the last year. As ghey as this is probably going to sound, it was pretty exciting. Listening to Buddydank radio as you're playing in the tournament is pretty awesome, even if the one time I heard my name called he pronounced it "boob" instead of bub as in "tub". Still, it was awesome just to get the chance to play with everyone. I had katiemother to my right for a little bit. I'm sure she didn't know who I was but I knew who she was. I sucked out a few hands and was playing OK until I started watching American Idol after the second break. First hand after the second break I wasn't paying attention, I just saw that LJ had pushed all in and I looked down at AKs so I pushed. I'm not sure (because I wasn't paying attention) if the person to the left of me pushed after me or had already gone in, I just realized I wasn't heads up against LJ. She showed KQ, the other person had JJ and neither me or her improved and we were out 31st and 30th. Anyways, it was an absolute blast, will definitely do it again.



This afternoon I decided to try out one of the 90 person sng's with the KO's. Is that what they call them? I'm not sure but I did pretty well.

I hope this works I've never tried it before. Anyways I came in 2nd. Not bad for my first one.

Puzzling.

I have no idea why I'm not posting on here. Maybe because the last post came off as so morbid to me. Let's see. Poker stuff. Hmmm... In the last 10 live tournaments I have played in I have made the final table in 6 of them. Unfortunately, I haven't played live since February. I'm not having the same kind of success online. Not that I'm losing much... maybe $25 in the last 2 months. I could probably play indefinitely if I managed my money a little better but I get bored and impatient and start playing outside of my bankroll. I definitely like playing live tournaments better than anything.

God stuff. Hmmmm, I'm trying. I'm sure that God finds me very trying. I'm not Mr. Dudley Doright christian guy yet. Probably will never be. That doesn't mean that I have stopped trying though. There's things that I struggle with. I stopped going to meetings for awhile and I ended up heading to Vegas the weekend the chargers played the patriots and ended up drinking. Sigh. Two, almost three years of consecutive clean time down the drain. I know this means nothing to someone not in the program but if you are in the program you know what I mean. It's just a drag. I've been struggling with getting myself back on the inside of NA. It's hard for me. I don't know why.

I struggle with what God's purpose for me is. Maybe the struggle isn't in HIS purpose for me but my purpose for me. I think we have a different set of ideals. But him being God and omnipotent and all we might just have to strive for his way. The funny thing about that is when I do follow that path I feel alot better about things. My best thinking has gotten me fucked up like a soup sandwich. The things that I think are going to make me happy seem to just make me emptier inside.

So to summarize. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm doing relatively well. Better than Brandi Hawbaker. God rest that poor girl's soul. I've had that kind of madness in my life and understand that feeling of not wanting to go on anymore and to stop thinking. Fortunately, I've always had just enough hope and a healthy fear of dying not to actually go through with those thoughts. R.I.P. Brandi.

What the...

I was looking at the date of my last post. September 5th, 2007. The next day was my dad's birthday. The next day was the day he was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. He passed on November 12th. I think. I'd have to look up the exact date. I haven't burnt it into my memory. It was brutal to watch him go like that. He was such a strong, proud man. He had his faults but don't we all? Watching him waste away to nothing was like going to a never-ending horror movie.

We (my sister and I, plus Letty and Scott, our spouses) went through all the stages of grief that they talk about. Him too. I think it's a lot harder to look our own mortality in the face than we think. At least for me. Maybe for him. At the end he really looked like he wanted to go. The hospice came in, medicated him up, and just like that, about 10 days later, he was gone. Maybe less, maybe more. You lose track of time, of days, and weeks when you are going through something like that. Just like that, in two months that seemed like two years that seemed like two days, he was gone. The end.

I wasn't there when he passed. Shelly called me. "I think he's dead." I told her I would be right over, I was sleeping, Shelly and I had been taking turns watching him. Me, during the day after I got off of work in the morning , and she when she got off of work at night. The last week Shelly stayed with him constantly. I would come over in the morning for a few hours, sleep on the couch, and just give her a little company and relief. He just layed there. The medicine had rendered him incapable of communicating with us.

Letty dropped me off at my dad's place. I ran up the stairs. Shelly was crying. Scott and Tory (my niece) were sitting on the couch, I think they were numb. I walked into his bedroom. His eyes were open. He wasn't breathing. It's not like in the movies. You don't just walk over to a corpse and gently pull down the eyelids. Those suckers aren't moving. Needless to say, it was a little unsettling to have your dead father staring at you. That's not the proper choice of words. He wasn't really my father anymore. The life force, soul, or whatever you want to call it had left him. It's noticeable. The first time I experienced that was seeing my grandparents open casket. When I was about twenty I started losing friends and noticed that about them also. Our bodies are only vessels for our souls. I don't know what happens to them after we pass, but they definitely leave.

Wow. This post wasn't supposed to be about this. I was just going to do a brief update of what I had been up to. I guess I needed to write about it. It's funny how you react when you go through trauma. The different levels of denial and rationalization that you go through to make yourself alright at that particular time. Part of mine was to lose the desire to write about what was going on. Maybe putting this down in black and white will get me back on track. I don't think that I feel particularly better writing this but sometimes we need to take action and that's what I am doing. Action.

Home Alone! (Kinda)

My poker playing as of late has sucked. I've lost 80% of my bankroll in the last week. Pretty soon I'm sure that I will be felted. Oh well. I'm giving it the good fight. I have been playing a lot of no limit lately and been getting my money in with the better hands but keep getting sucked out on. Sigh. That's part of the game I guess.

In life news we had a full house this weekend. Letty's parents and one of her brothers came down for labor day weekend. Plus Letty's granddaughter was here for most of the weekend. This means little sleep for me as the parents get our room and I get one of the kid's beds to try and sleep in during the day with everyone running around crazy. Missed church on Friday, I was too tired to get rolling. I'm a little grumpy the last few days. I've been real short with Letty which isn't my normal self. So many things going on around here that I think we have both been a little stressed out.

The in-laws went home Monday afternoon. Tuesday Letty, her oldest daughter, the kids, and her sister were supposed to go to L.A. Koshe(oldest daughter) is taking her cosmetology state license exam this week. She thought on Wednesday, but it was actually Thursday which threw everyone off. Letty's sister who was to be Koshe's model had to take an extra day off. She wasn't happy. So they had a false start. They left again this morning and won't be back until tomorrow evening. Tio Roberto is still here but he is so quiet, just napping in the living room watching T.V.

It's so quiet in here. A rarity. I look forward to it then when I'm alone I miss them. The whole loud, Spanish speaking, children screaming lot of them.

Didn't make it to my meeting last night either. I fell asleep at 5pm and didn't wake up until 2 in the morning. One of the hazards of working overnights. Sometimes I get home and can't fall asleep until the afternoon. I missed my meeting and the padres getting clobbered by the D-backs. OK, I think it's my time to nap. I will set my alarm so I can see my padres take the rubber game of the series.