Stuck In The middle

I wonder if I have stepped into a little dilemma with my blog. Too "Christian" for the poker player. Too "earthy" for the christian. Not that it matters. It's "my journey" after all, and this is where I am at. Sometimes it's a little hard for me to delineate where the line is.

The real great thing that I have found by doing a LOT of blog reading is that I'm not alone. One of the benefits of Pastor Ed starting his blog is I have stumbled into some great Christian blogs as well. Actual humans with frailties (that they openly talk about) writing that it isn't always easy to follow God but that the benefits are truly worth it.

I've been experiencing God in really "of this world" kind of ways a lot lately. I'm not sure it's because I've been praying, asking God to show himself to me because I am of such little faith that I need the tap on the shoulder every once in awhile to let me know that he is really there. Amazingly enough, he has been.

Letty and I have taken up the spiritual practice of tithing as it was so eloquently explained by Pastor Mike a few weeks ago at Journey. It made sense to me so we talked about it. as per normal, Letty was way ahead of me, instantly agreeing.

It's hard to give up 10% of one's money when you barely feel like you are making it as it is. After child support and insurance my check is about 35% of my gross. It was a big step for a guy like me who equates money with security to give up any more than what I felt comfortable with. I think that's the point though. A life of taking up the Cross and following Christ isn't and never was meant to be the softer way. I think that's a big misconception that I had when I first became a Christ follower. This isn't easy. Not that living the life of a drug addicted, alcoholic, womanizing gambler was easy but it was comfortable in that familiar, survival mode kind of way.

We have been doing it. Amazingly, and true to what Pastor Mike said, Letty and I have made the rent, paid our bills, and been managing to eat and keep enough gas in the car to get to work as well. Even got the brakes on Letty's car fixed. Where did the money come from? You got me. I know the external sources of it (no, it wasn't a stimulus check lol, they took that away for back taxes) but it was definitely money that we weren't aware of that came to us. I'd like to think it's God going "hey, ye of little faith, see what happens when you just trust me a little?" I hope he has a couple more miracles here to get us through the next couple of months. We're probably going to need them.

The thing is, I'm beginning to really trust in the fact that God has not brought us this far to just drop us on our ass, and even if we do fall on our ass he will be more than willing to help us up and dust us off. He's good like that.

Of course the real proof would be if God could get the Padres to score a couple of runs every once in awhile and fix up that leaky bullpen. OK, o.k., one miracle at a time in your time Lord.

Unfocused

I've been playing a lot of unfocused poker lately. Just hovering around the same bankroll, plus or minus a few dollars everyday. It's alright. Sometimes I just have a hard time focusing. Thinking about things. Things that I have done. Things that I have to do. Things that look like monsters coming around the corner. What do you do when it's like that? I pray. Ask God to take away the fear of the future and to accept whatever is coming at me with as much dignity and grace as I can muster.

Which isn't a lot.

Geez

Playing NLHE ring game on full tilt is nice. Getting all my money in with AA vs. KK is awesome. Having said Aces cracked really makes me question God's sense of humor. Sigh.

Final Table

I made a final table yesterday in a MTT. Even though I went out in 9th it was a great learning experience. I'd love to be able to win one of these things eventually. I've won in limit tourneys online but not NL. I am learning to play less borderline hands which I'm sure has helped me immeasurably.

I went out 65th in The Mookie. Man, I was completely owned by erin26. I kept getting involved in hands with her and kept getting the worst of it. I finally pushed with KQs and she called me with AK and an ace hit the flop to finish me off. It was one of those nights where I knew that I was getting outplayed. Oh well, better luck next week.

On the God front, all sorts of good things have been happening this week. First, the teaching pastor at Journey, Ed Noble, has started his own blog, Ed's Journey. This is the guy that really made me take my first steps toward being a Christ follower. It's been awesome to be able to get a thought or two from him during the week. Check it out.

The other great thing about Ed starting a blog is that I have found a lot of other great Christian blogs that have been linked to him or are leaving comments. That was one of the things I was struggling with before, finding Christ centered blogs that are similar to my own beliefs. I guess you do get what you pray for, sometimes you just have to be patient.

On the life front, I'm struggling. I'm not using, as a matter of fact I got 90 days a couple weeks ago. Just the same-o, same-o. Fighting depression, not content with what I have, a lot of fear about losing the little that I do have. Besides that, I'm great! I'm praying more frequently, I've taken a couple suggestions from the messages that I've received at Journey the last couple of weeks, and I'm trying to stay in line with what God's will is for me. It's a constant struggle for me to overcome my ego and my own selfish interests. It's something that I constantly have to ask God to help me with. The great thing is that He does. It's wonderful to get even a moment's break from my own self-obsession.

Days Like These

It's days like these that make me crazy. I can't for the life of me fall asleep. I'm not sure what brings it on, I'm tired but my head is running like crazy. Nothing of any importance, mostly random thoughts. I've tried laying down about 5 or 6 times. My eyes keep popping open. Sigh. I already called in. There's nothing worse than trying to work without any sleep. Maybe I should amend that. I'm sure there are way worse things than that. OK, really too tired to type anything meaningful.

My First Mookie

I finally put some money on full tilt last night. I've been on a major blog reading craze lately and couldn't resist the urge to play against the people that I have been reading about for the last year. As ghey as this is probably going to sound, it was pretty exciting. Listening to Buddydank radio as you're playing in the tournament is pretty awesome, even if the one time I heard my name called he pronounced it "boob" instead of bub as in "tub". Still, it was awesome just to get the chance to play with everyone. I had katiemother to my right for a little bit. I'm sure she didn't know who I was but I knew who she was. I sucked out a few hands and was playing OK until I started watching American Idol after the second break. First hand after the second break I wasn't paying attention, I just saw that LJ had pushed all in and I looked down at AKs so I pushed. I'm not sure (because I wasn't paying attention) if the person to the left of me pushed after me or had already gone in, I just realized I wasn't heads up against LJ. She showed KQ, the other person had JJ and neither me or her improved and we were out 31st and 30th. Anyways, it was an absolute blast, will definitely do it again.



This afternoon I decided to try out one of the 90 person sng's with the KO's. Is that what they call them? I'm not sure but I did pretty well.

I hope this works I've never tried it before. Anyways I came in 2nd. Not bad for my first one.

Puzzling.

I have no idea why I'm not posting on here. Maybe because the last post came off as so morbid to me. Let's see. Poker stuff. Hmmm... In the last 10 live tournaments I have played in I have made the final table in 6 of them. Unfortunately, I haven't played live since February. I'm not having the same kind of success online. Not that I'm losing much... maybe $25 in the last 2 months. I could probably play indefinitely if I managed my money a little better but I get bored and impatient and start playing outside of my bankroll. I definitely like playing live tournaments better than anything.

God stuff. Hmmmm, I'm trying. I'm sure that God finds me very trying. I'm not Mr. Dudley Doright christian guy yet. Probably will never be. That doesn't mean that I have stopped trying though. There's things that I struggle with. I stopped going to meetings for awhile and I ended up heading to Vegas the weekend the chargers played the patriots and ended up drinking. Sigh. Two, almost three years of consecutive clean time down the drain. I know this means nothing to someone not in the program but if you are in the program you know what I mean. It's just a drag. I've been struggling with getting myself back on the inside of NA. It's hard for me. I don't know why.

I struggle with what God's purpose for me is. Maybe the struggle isn't in HIS purpose for me but my purpose for me. I think we have a different set of ideals. But him being God and omnipotent and all we might just have to strive for his way. The funny thing about that is when I do follow that path I feel alot better about things. My best thinking has gotten me fucked up like a soup sandwich. The things that I think are going to make me happy seem to just make me emptier inside.

So to summarize. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm doing relatively well. Better than Brandi Hawbaker. God rest that poor girl's soul. I've had that kind of madness in my life and understand that feeling of not wanting to go on anymore and to stop thinking. Fortunately, I've always had just enough hope and a healthy fear of dying not to actually go through with those thoughts. R.I.P. Brandi.