Final Table

I made a final table yesterday in a MTT. Even though I went out in 9th it was a great learning experience. I'd love to be able to win one of these things eventually. I've won in limit tourneys online but not NL. I am learning to play less borderline hands which I'm sure has helped me immeasurably.

I went out 65th in The Mookie. Man, I was completely owned by erin26. I kept getting involved in hands with her and kept getting the worst of it. I finally pushed with KQs and she called me with AK and an ace hit the flop to finish me off. It was one of those nights where I knew that I was getting outplayed. Oh well, better luck next week.

On the God front, all sorts of good things have been happening this week. First, the teaching pastor at Journey, Ed Noble, has started his own blog, Ed's Journey. This is the guy that really made me take my first steps toward being a Christ follower. It's been awesome to be able to get a thought or two from him during the week. Check it out.

The other great thing about Ed starting a blog is that I have found a lot of other great Christian blogs that have been linked to him or are leaving comments. That was one of the things I was struggling with before, finding Christ centered blogs that are similar to my own beliefs. I guess you do get what you pray for, sometimes you just have to be patient.

On the life front, I'm struggling. I'm not using, as a matter of fact I got 90 days a couple weeks ago. Just the same-o, same-o. Fighting depression, not content with what I have, a lot of fear about losing the little that I do have. Besides that, I'm great! I'm praying more frequently, I've taken a couple suggestions from the messages that I've received at Journey the last couple of weeks, and I'm trying to stay in line with what God's will is for me. It's a constant struggle for me to overcome my ego and my own selfish interests. It's something that I constantly have to ask God to help me with. The great thing is that He does. It's wonderful to get even a moment's break from my own self-obsession.

Random Thoughts

I have never looked so forward to going back to work after my days off as I am today. I have spent the last couple of days (except for a couple hours at my NA meeting) cooped up in my bedroom reading blogs and playing online poker. I even fell asleep during the Padre game before we got the winning runs in the bottom of the 8th. Letty woke me up to tell me. I'm bored. If I was in a meeting I'm sure someone would point out to me that's because I'm boring. Maybe. Can't wait to get my bills caught up so I can have some old fashioned fun again. I am such a whiner.

One of the things I have been trying to do is to find some interesting christian blogs to read. Verily, I tell you, they do not seem to exist. I read over 40 of them yesterday trying to find just one funny, entertaining blog. I got a lot of conservative christian blogs. No offense, but that's not my cup of tea. I don't hate gays, drug addicts, alcoholics, or degenerate gamblers. I'm not real fond of pedophiles. I guess that's my big dislike. A lot of them seem to have this "us" against "them" attitude. Maybe it's a "holier than thou" thing. I think maybe it's because the ones that I have been reading have been Christians all their lives and I don't relate. Then there are the "bible study" or "theological" blogs which is like reading quantum physics. Snoooooooze.

I want to read about struggle. I want to read about how people apply their faith in real life situations when everything isn't going their way. I want to read about how people overcome their addictions and fall back but still persevere. I get more of that in the poker blogs that I read than the christian ones. People doubting their poker playing abilities but persevering through it till the next big pot.

I don't know about anyone else. I struggle with all of this. I know, I'm too much of a thinker. An analyzer. I've never been able to go "Oh, that's just the way it is." Some days my faith is great and sometimes it's not so great. I've been going to self help groups for 22 years. I should know that I shouldn't judge my insides on other people's outsides. Yet I do it again and again. Human nature I guess.

I'm thinking about looking for some recovery blogs today. Maybe I will find some hope over there with the rest of the dope fiends. Thank God for the poker people. They keep it interesting around here.

Never Drink Coffee after 8:00pm

Unless you want to be blogging at 11:17pm on a Tuesday night. Sigh. I went to my home group meeting which was good, I hadn't been there in a couple of weeks. It's strange now that Ron isn't going anymore. He used to pick me up and we would go together. He's changed up his regular meeting to Fridays so I am left having to make myself go. It shouldn't be that difficult and normally it's not. I just didn't want to go for a couple of weeks I guess. The bad thing about it is I have a tendency to isolate and if I didn't drag my ass down there tonight I might not go for a couple of months. But I did and it was good and I feel somewhat back in the fold, although not nearly as much as I used to.

I've been playing pretty decently online and had actually moved up a level only to get crushed. Back down I go again. I don't mind. As long as I have my little mini bankroll to play with I seem to be OK. I'm accepting my poker lot in life right now while I pay off the bills.

I have been following my Padres, getting back into the habit of watching every game. And whala, my magic is back. Before I started watching, 5 games back of the d-backs. Today, only a game behind after we chased their stud Brandon Webb off the mound in the 6th. They have been playing some exciting games the last week, it's been fun to get back into it. This is kind of a golden era in San Diego sports. If we could only get the Aztecs to do something. The Chargers and Padres are becoming perennial playoff contenders which of you know anything about San Diego team sports is an anomaly. We are so used to being cellar dwellers that we don't even know how to talk shit properly. It's not fair to have suffered this many years without a championship. Maybe the Chargers this year. I can only hope.

Pervert on Board

How to start off this post. I'm not sure. One of the things that you will find out about me is that I have this innate ability to be 100 percent self confessional. Even when it sounds silly. Even when it's something I would rather not admit to. Especially something that makes me lose all vestiges of any coolness you might have had of me. Enough. Let's get to the point. I got busted. Looking at porn. Absolutely ruined my weekend and almost my relationship.

Having said that I have absolutely nothing against porn. This isn't a "Oh my God, I'm sorry for my egregious sinning, please strike me with a lightning bolt" kind of posts. This is more of a "I know my girlfriend has a problem with it yet I ignored her wishes and did it anyway" kind of posts. That's the "sin". I know my girl absolutely hates it. She has issues with it. I did it anyway on our computer and she found out.

I'm at work on Friday night about midnight when I get a text on my phone. "YOU GOT BUSTED! IT"S OVER!" Then another telling me where my clothes and money were. As in, they and you are no longer in the house. She won't answer my texts or calls. I leave work because I'm more than a little upset about the situation and the welfare of my meager possessions. I get a hold of Anna (one of my best friends in NA, like my sister) and she comes and picks me up, takes me to where my things are, and takes me home with her.

She won't talk to me for 2 days. She will text me but won't tell me what I did. Here's where poker sometimes gets me in real life trouble. I'm not going to cop to watching porn if I'm not sure that is what she is mad about. I've got my poker face on and I think she's bluffing. Maybe some pre-menstrual stab at trying to get some weird ass confession of adultery from me.

To make a long story somewhat shorter she finally breaks down on Sunday evening and shows me the nuts. The stupid sites I was going to were leaving cookies on the computer. I had no idea. She has me dead to rights but I'm still pissed. I was still displaced for 2 days. I missed a couple of days of work. I had to inconvenience my friends and my pops. I don't even think of watching porn as a moral issue.

Here's the rub. She does think of it as a moral issue. She thinks of it as a sign that if I lie to her about this I will lie to her about something else. She hates the idea that I am looking at other women. She's Hispanic and pre menstrual. I know that. I should know better. I should take her feelings into consideration. I'm not always the best at that although I am getting better.

The final result is that we had a good long conversation about porn, lying, and our commitment to each other on Sunday night. Everything is straightened out for now. I won't watch porn. Not because their is anything wrong with it. Because it hurts my baby. She's too special to let get away. That's enough.

Hi There!

I've probably doomed myself by putting God in the title of my blog. Probably depends on what I'm looking to get out of this. "To thine own self be true." OK, God it is then. My problem is that I love Poker. And God. And a whole bunch of other things that I adore from time to time. I'm not the greatest player, not the greatest writer, and definitely not the greatest Christ follower around either. Obviously. I've got a lot of issues. Children, addiction, alcoholism and gambling (the non poker variety) just to name a few.

I'm hoping that with this blog maybe I can bring all these things together in some kind of cohesive, smooth running machine. Yeah, who am I trying to kid. It's more that I enjoy the act of writing and the meeting of new people and sometimes actually posting something halfway decent. I can always dream.

The poker part of me: I've been playing pretty consistently for the last 4 years. I started playing online in 2004 in play money games that my boss at the time turned me on to. I graduated to playing cash tournaments at Viejas. Unfortunately, it was probably my 5th tournament and I accidentally went ahead and won. I've been hooked ever since. I played (and play) in cash games at Viejas, The Lady Luck, sometimes Barona and Sycuan. I nickel and dime it online (especially since I can't figure a way to get money onto my Epassporte account). Overall, I'm definitely in the black for poker which continues to amaze me.

The God part of me: The only way to do this is to put it in black and white. Maybe I will add a link to my old blog so that you can see what a mess I was. I've been playing in bands since I was 19 years old. I've had 5 kids with 4 different women. I'd developed a nasty alcohol and drug habit not to mention smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I'd shrunk up to the point where I was fitting into size 28 jeans and they were loose. About 115 pounds soaking wet. Sores, speech problems, nervous tics, a general dark cloud over my head. I'd been messing with NA and AA since I was a teenager but it never stuck for more than a couple of years. In May 2005 I was at the end of my rope. I didn't want to live anymore. I was in a nightmare relationship that had me to the point where I was actually calling people's homes and threatening to kill them. I could barely work and I was living in the basement of my employer's house. (Thanks Gene, you were and are a life saver). I finally stopped everything on May 1st, 2005. My clean date. I started going to meetings with my guitar player and just didn't pick up. I did all the suggestions (except work the steps with a sponsor, oops) and haven't had the desire to pick up.

Oh yeah, where does God come into all of this? I started talking to this girl I met online in March of 2006. Craig's list to be exact. She was funny, I loved the way she talked, and attractive. Oh, and she was a Christian. Ugh. I believed that there was a divine presence in the universe but Jesus? Thank God she didn't make a big deal about it. She was much too clever for that. She kept inviting me to go to church with her but I would beg off with one excuse or another. Finally, one day I decided to keep an open mind (and to keep her happy) I went. I was scared. These aren't my kind of people. I felt like they could all see the evil that was in me. Finally the band started and my church experience turned into a rock concert. Huh? I was expecting either solemn hymns or folk rock john denver style of music. It was more like U2. That piqued my curiosity. Then the pastor gave his talk. A down to earth, normal talk based on the bible. It made sense. They got my guard down. Did I mention that while this was happening I was drinking a mocha in the service that I had bought when we were walking in? Good music, a nice talk, A Starbucks quality mocha? Did I mention very progressive church?

I enjoyed it. I still wasn't convinced about the Jesus as my personal savior but I kept going back. The message of the church stayed consistent. They weren't trying to force anything. They didn't want my money. They let me come to God on my own. Novel approach that worked. I don't remember the exact day that I turned my life over to Christ, I remember that it was at the end of the service and Pastor Ed asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Christ to please raise their hand so he could pray with us. I did and he did and that's where I am at today. I'm not a bible thumper. I'm not judgemental. I think it's God's job not mine. I have found some peace in my life that I've never experienced. Sometimes I believe that is just old age, most of the time I think it's God. I do have doubts. I do waver in my belief. I'm human. I have a hard time when people say that they don't. I try absolutely to remain humble and not be a hypocrite.

That's my story up to this point. This blog is probably not going to be G rated. I have lots of stories and I'm still not perfect although I have moved from a rated X live to maybe a PG. Thanks if you have read any of this and I hope to make a lot of new friends in the months to come.