Wednesday words Vol. #5

Even though my car is refusing many attempts and dollars at getting it back into running condition, the week is still going pretty well. Having two cars is definitely a good thing. Letty seems to think it's the battery now but I'm not sure. I'm hoping it's not the starter or some other kind of electrical problem.

I think this might be a rant which if you have been following my blog at all is not a normal posting technique. But c'mon. Is anyone else watching these debates between the candidates and thinking what kind of fools do they take us for? Maybe they have us pegged exactly right. Tell 'em what they want to hear.

The economic bailout package that they passed for the mortgage industry blows my mind. Mind you, both of the candidates voted in FAVOR of this as they are telling you how they are going to reduce taxes and change health care and still actively promote wars on two fronts. Where in the world is this money supposed to be coming from? In fact, after the house of representatives (what a bunch of crooked people) voted against the original bill I thought, wow, our representatives are actually making a stand. Come to find out, all they wanted was a little pork thrown into the bill before they would pass it. It makes me sick to think that these are the people that are running my country.

The thing is you have to vote for someone. It's really a chore this year. Thank God there's one person that makes this an easy decision this year. It's probably not who you think and not for the reasons that a lot of my more conservative Christian brethren would make their decisions on. Unless you are on my myspace. Then you would know for sure which way I was voting.

Where is Jesus in all of this? Personally, I think He's standing there scratching His head wondering how he's involved in any of this. Let's see. Love your neighbor. Pull the plank out of your own eye. Render unto Caesar's what is Caesars. What good does it do to gain the whole world but to lose one's soul? Feed the hungry. Take care of the poor. Those are the kind of things Jesus cared about. Forgive. I have to do a lot of forgiving every day. As well as ask for a lot of forgiveness as well.

I think the ironic thing is that if Jesus came into this world today He would be laughed right out of the Church. Probably kicked out once He started going on about how it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I just hope that He wouldn't kick over the mocha machine on His way into my church on Sunday. I love me my Frozen Mochas.

Tito, get me a tissue.

I've seen this video quite a few times now and every time it never fails to make me cry. I don't know if it's because the message is so personally powerful to me or it's just a powerful message period. It might be a good idea to have something to wipe your eyes with after this. I know I needed it.



I found it again on Dustin's blog. He's got something good going on up in Alaska. You should check him out.

Baptism

Letty and I are sitting at Journey on Sunday. I've been thinking about getting baptized for oh, I don't know, about a year now. Being the great procrastinator that I am, I might be thinking about it for another couple of years before I do anything about it. Baptism sounds remarkably about commitment and a public display of commitment to boot.

It's been easy for me to sit in the very back of the church for the last year and a half and watch everything going on around me. I'm really good at observing. I've been becoming more friendlier the more that God has been working in me. I recognize people and am recognized. We eat breakfast after the service in the church cafe and talk to whoever we are sitting next to that day. I follow and leave comments on Ed's, Rod's and other Journey related blogs. Baby steps to commitment.

It's amazing how God works. A chance encounter online with a cool person. You start a relationship with that person. That person takes you to church. You find something in this church that you have been searching for all of your life. On a random Sunday morning over a year ago, you find yourself open to letting God in. You ask Jesus Christ to come into your life. He turns your world upside down. You have to change jobs, become accountable, give up some deeply ingrained habits and addictions that are killing you one day at a time. Fall a couple of times before you finally surrender the thoughts and actions that are so ingrained from a lifetime of sin that the only way to rid yourself of them is to give them to God. Grudgingly. But given nonetheless.

There you are. Stripped of all the defenses that you have used to protect yourself, what's left is what you came into this world with. Nothing. Born again. It sure takes on a new meaning when you actually experience it. Two years ago those two words would have made me cringe. Now they offer me hope and redemption. A chance to help others like me find the kindness of a Savior. He IS mighty to save.

Which isn't to say that I'm not always stubbing my toes as I take this Journey. I'm constantly asking God to keep me humble and teachable. If I don't say something stupid or hurtful at least a couple of times a day I must be in a coma. There's a whole life of habits that I'm trying to overcome here. Thankfully, I have Christ to walk it with me. To carry me a lot of the time.

About the person I started that relationship with a couple of years ago. Leticia. Now Leticia Stevens. Somehow I ended up talking her in to marrying me back in November. When I say God works miracles in my life this one just might take the cake. On September 7th, we are going to be baptized together in front of our community of Christ Followers. God is good. He is so good.

The next thing I have to write out is a testimony. I think that I have to read it before they dunk me. That should be interesting. I'll try to keep it clean. How about I just keep it honest. I'm ready for commitment. In more ways than one.

Struggle

One of my favorite blogs of the last couple of months has been Stuff Christians Like. Jon Acuff is an absolutely funny man. The thing is, that's not what I really love about him. It's the times when he turns off the funny and turns on the human that get me. His post this morning about polishing up our scars really hit home for me.

I'm forever doing this. Even on here. Not so much about my past. Anyone that has read me for awhile on this blog or my older one knows where I came from. Maybe it's not the scars that are doing me in. It's the fresh wounds that I seemingly willingly inflict upon myself that I can't share because of my embarrassment that I'm in the situation in the first place.

Even though I intellectually can comprehend that God's grace is there even when I slip up it doesn't make me feel any better at the time. I'm pretty new in my walk with Christ. I don't know The Bible. I don't even know if I'm supposed to capitalize "The Bible."

I don't even have any Christian friends besides my wife. I think that I just frustrate her. She's a Godly woman and I'm so far from that a lot of the time. I find myself constantly dwelling in my past or fearing the future. Being a drug addict it's fairly easy for me to slip into that line of thinking and not be able to stay in the present. That's when I get into trouble.

The kicker to the whole thing and maybe what I'm struggling with the most right now is that 99% of the time I'm doing the right thing. It's the circumstances of my life that are overwhelming me. Living the life that I have led there are consequences and they are kicking my ass right now.

My first instinct is to turn to my old ways. Either to get relief from the mental anguish or as a temporary solution to the permanent problem. I haven't done that. I keep asking God for the strength not to turn away from Him.

My second instinct is, well, I don't really know. That's where I get jammed up. I don't know. I don't know what the right thing to do is so I end up sitting on my hands. The positive thing for me is that I'm a seeker by nature. I'm trying to put good information and good ideas into my mind. Reading Christian blogs, going to church, trying to put myself out here and listen to what people that know more than I do have to say.

Jesus, I'm trying my best to keep my heart open to You. Please guide me through the pain and confusion that I feel in this world. I know that You alone are the answer. The light, the truth, the way. Restore my love for Your creation and not to live in fear. Keep me safe from the things that have destroyed me in the past. Lead me to victory over the evil that has conquered me in the past. Let me be a good husband, father, brother, and grandfather to my family. Hold me close to you, Lord. Amen.

Hi There!

I've probably doomed myself by putting God in the title of my blog. Probably depends on what I'm looking to get out of this. "To thine own self be true." OK, God it is then. My problem is that I love Poker. And God. And a whole bunch of other things that I adore from time to time. I'm not the greatest player, not the greatest writer, and definitely not the greatest Christ follower around either. Obviously. I've got a lot of issues. Children, addiction, alcoholism and gambling (the non poker variety) just to name a few.

I'm hoping that with this blog maybe I can bring all these things together in some kind of cohesive, smooth running machine. Yeah, who am I trying to kid. It's more that I enjoy the act of writing and the meeting of new people and sometimes actually posting something halfway decent. I can always dream.

The poker part of me: I've been playing pretty consistently for the last 4 years. I started playing online in 2004 in play money games that my boss at the time turned me on to. I graduated to playing cash tournaments at Viejas. Unfortunately, it was probably my 5th tournament and I accidentally went ahead and won. I've been hooked ever since. I played (and play) in cash games at Viejas, The Lady Luck, sometimes Barona and Sycuan. I nickel and dime it online (especially since I can't figure a way to get money onto my Epassporte account). Overall, I'm definitely in the black for poker which continues to amaze me.

The God part of me: The only way to do this is to put it in black and white. Maybe I will add a link to my old blog so that you can see what a mess I was. I've been playing in bands since I was 19 years old. I've had 5 kids with 4 different women. I'd developed a nasty alcohol and drug habit not to mention smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I'd shrunk up to the point where I was fitting into size 28 jeans and they were loose. About 115 pounds soaking wet. Sores, speech problems, nervous tics, a general dark cloud over my head. I'd been messing with NA and AA since I was a teenager but it never stuck for more than a couple of years. In May 2005 I was at the end of my rope. I didn't want to live anymore. I was in a nightmare relationship that had me to the point where I was actually calling people's homes and threatening to kill them. I could barely work and I was living in the basement of my employer's house. (Thanks Gene, you were and are a life saver). I finally stopped everything on May 1st, 2005. My clean date. I started going to meetings with my guitar player and just didn't pick up. I did all the suggestions (except work the steps with a sponsor, oops) and haven't had the desire to pick up.

Oh yeah, where does God come into all of this? I started talking to this girl I met online in March of 2006. Craig's list to be exact. She was funny, I loved the way she talked, and attractive. Oh, and she was a Christian. Ugh. I believed that there was a divine presence in the universe but Jesus? Thank God she didn't make a big deal about it. She was much too clever for that. She kept inviting me to go to church with her but I would beg off with one excuse or another. Finally, one day I decided to keep an open mind (and to keep her happy) I went. I was scared. These aren't my kind of people. I felt like they could all see the evil that was in me. Finally the band started and my church experience turned into a rock concert. Huh? I was expecting either solemn hymns or folk rock john denver style of music. It was more like U2. That piqued my curiosity. Then the pastor gave his talk. A down to earth, normal talk based on the bible. It made sense. They got my guard down. Did I mention that while this was happening I was drinking a mocha in the service that I had bought when we were walking in? Good music, a nice talk, A Starbucks quality mocha? Did I mention very progressive church?

I enjoyed it. I still wasn't convinced about the Jesus as my personal savior but I kept going back. The message of the church stayed consistent. They weren't trying to force anything. They didn't want my money. They let me come to God on my own. Novel approach that worked. I don't remember the exact day that I turned my life over to Christ, I remember that it was at the end of the service and Pastor Ed asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Christ to please raise their hand so he could pray with us. I did and he did and that's where I am at today. I'm not a bible thumper. I'm not judgemental. I think it's God's job not mine. I have found some peace in my life that I've never experienced. Sometimes I believe that is just old age, most of the time I think it's God. I do have doubts. I do waver in my belief. I'm human. I have a hard time when people say that they don't. I try absolutely to remain humble and not be a hypocrite.

That's my story up to this point. This blog is probably not going to be G rated. I have lots of stories and I'm still not perfect although I have moved from a rated X live to maybe a PG. Thanks if you have read any of this and I hope to make a lot of new friends in the months to come.