Wednesday Words

It's been an interesting week. My week generally starts on Thursday night if you're wondering. I had my last day of fasting last Wednesday and I'm looking forward to macking on something today. Wednesday is my one real day off and it truly felt like a sacrifice to not eat on that day, as cheesy and weak as that sounds. I've grown soft, what can I say?

Letty and I attended a Quiet Time Workshop on Saturday at Journey. It was given by the Daily Journey ministry and it was awesome. I worked overnight, shot over there after a quick shower, and was amazingly able to stay awake the whole time without a problem. Journey makes good coffee! I wish they had a website or something I could hook you up to but I'm not sure if they do. If anyone knows of one or maybe even if Ann has a blog let me know.

The gist of the workshop was to help us find a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God through our quiet time. I've already been doing this, but it was more of a reading the passages of scripture from my bible reading guide as opposed to the more meditative practice that they were talking about.

The best part for me was the small group that they broke us down into so that we could practice the techniques for ourselves. Our leader was Kevin Brangwynne, who's a cool dude that I've been twittering back and forth with over the last couple of months. He did a great job of leading us through it and I loved everybody's take on what they read and what they experienced. I think The Lord's been speaking strongly to me about not being such a "weekend viewer" of what goes on at Journey on Sunday and start to become an active member of my church. This was a great start to this journey for us.

Sunday was more conviction time as Ed was talking about practicing different spiritual disciplines. The one that spoke most loudly to me (just like last year) was the discipline of tithing. We were doing it for awhile and then fell away from it as the year progressed. The funny thing is it was true what God said. We were blessed more financially when we were tithing than we ever were when we were not.

I think the spiritual principle I get from this is partly that in doing this I'm actually obeying and putting into practical application that I actually walking the walk and not just talking the talk. It's easy to say "Oh yes God, I believe in you and I will sing your praises from here to eternity" than it is to hand Him my hard earned cash. I'm cheap man. It's definitely an issue with me that I have to address. The truth is that none of it is mine, it's all His, and I should be grateful that He lets me keep 90% of it. If I can keep myself in that frame of mind it's not a problem. It's when my fear and financial insecurity get the best of me that I fail miserably. Lord, please keep me humble and of service to You this year in this particular discipline.

I think our next step is to find a small group to become a part of. I'm going to start sincerely looking for one this month. I think it's the next step for us. Pray that I don't chicken out or get lazy.

Have you noticed that there's been a fundamental shift on this blog's emphasis on God and my journey with Him as opposed to poker and my personal life? What the heck happened? Amazing how He works huh?

Here's a little poker content. I am on fire right now. I've finished in the money (ITM) in 5 of the last 7 tourneys I have entered. I don't believe that God is influencing the outcomes of my tournaments. Let's get that out of the way right from the start. I will say this though. Since I've become a Christ Follower my game has become so much more disciplined than it was before. I'm not allowing my results to affect the way that I play which is huge. I rarely tilt anymore and I think it's because I'm not out to destroy others but just play the best that I can and let the results be what they are.

A little personal life content. Probably the guy that has been my best buddy throughout my life dropped in from Minnesota last week to play a reunion show with his old band. We only got to hang out Wednesday afternoon (right in the middle of my fast) but it was still great to see him. I'm sure that we all have that friend that no matter what the twists and turns of life bring us it's like nothing has changed when we get together. It's so good to have someone that you are that close to even if you only see each other a couple of times a decade anymore. So anyway, it was great to see you Dave and I love you and your family. Hope I can get out to Minnesota one of these years and hang with you, Elena, and the kids. God Bless.

OK, a couple of questions for anyone that happens to drop by,

Do you have a best friend?

Everyone's always asking questions about what they would improve about themselves. I'd like to know what's something that you like about yourself! Such a better question. I got the idea from another blog I read, JudiFree. I like my eyes and my sense of humor. How about you? What do you like about yourself?

Wednesday Words

At Journey we are going through a 21 day season of fasting. While we are fasting we are asking God, "What?" What do you want from me, Lord. If I was asked while I'm fasting what I want I would say a delicious cheeseburger, or maybe a nice slab of prime rib with a yummy baked potato. Unfortunately no one is asking me.

If you haven't noticed, today is my fasting day. Every Wednesday through these 3 weeks is the day Letty and I chose to fast. She has it way harder than I do. She has to work, it's my day off. I get to sit at home and fast, read, pray, play cards, PSII it, nap, and do whatever I can to take my mind off of eating. I wish I could say that whenever I am hungry I instantly go to prayer and meditation but I don't have it like that. Sometimes I think a poker tournament or a NCAA basketball game will quell my hunger. Pray for me on that one.

I think that the one thing I'm getting from God is to draw closer to him through my Church. Which of course scares the heck out of me. I'm kind of an introvert by nature and most of the friendships in my life have been forged by necessity or happenstance. I'm hoping that God will make me realize that this IS necessity (much like NA has been for most of my life).

I'm finally getting cracking and jumping on the Bible study guide that I printed out from Ed at the beginning of the year. When I get home from work in the morning it's the first thing that I do. If I try to do it at any other time it just doesn't get done. Is doesn't not a word? It's showing up in my spell checker as not a word. Hmmmm.

Football season is over and I think the Chargers made a nice run just running out of gas and facing a really good team at the end. That Steeler defense is just too fast. Hopefully we will get off to a better start next season. I'm going to say something that might get me excommunicated from Chargerville. Keep Norv. Give him one more year. Hey, he's getting us to the playoffs and we are actually winning playoff games. Maybe with a healthy Merriman it would have put us over the top.

Spring training starts next month and I know absolutely nothing about the 2009 version of the Padres except they have an unhappy Jake Peavy, no Trevor time, and Adrian Gonzalez. It could be fun watching a young team rebuild this year. Or not.

Alright, off to do my daily reading and then who knows what? Have a great day. Oh, BTW

Now that the New Year is underway, how are you doing with your resolutions or goals? Have you changed them up to be more realistic?

Baptism

Letty and I are sitting at Journey on Sunday. I've been thinking about getting baptized for oh, I don't know, about a year now. Being the great procrastinator that I am, I might be thinking about it for another couple of years before I do anything about it. Baptism sounds remarkably about commitment and a public display of commitment to boot.

It's been easy for me to sit in the very back of the church for the last year and a half and watch everything going on around me. I'm really good at observing. I've been becoming more friendlier the more that God has been working in me. I recognize people and am recognized. We eat breakfast after the service in the church cafe and talk to whoever we are sitting next to that day. I follow and leave comments on Ed's, Rod's and other Journey related blogs. Baby steps to commitment.

It's amazing how God works. A chance encounter online with a cool person. You start a relationship with that person. That person takes you to church. You find something in this church that you have been searching for all of your life. On a random Sunday morning over a year ago, you find yourself open to letting God in. You ask Jesus Christ to come into your life. He turns your world upside down. You have to change jobs, become accountable, give up some deeply ingrained habits and addictions that are killing you one day at a time. Fall a couple of times before you finally surrender the thoughts and actions that are so ingrained from a lifetime of sin that the only way to rid yourself of them is to give them to God. Grudgingly. But given nonetheless.

There you are. Stripped of all the defenses that you have used to protect yourself, what's left is what you came into this world with. Nothing. Born again. It sure takes on a new meaning when you actually experience it. Two years ago those two words would have made me cringe. Now they offer me hope and redemption. A chance to help others like me find the kindness of a Savior. He IS mighty to save.

Which isn't to say that I'm not always stubbing my toes as I take this Journey. I'm constantly asking God to keep me humble and teachable. If I don't say something stupid or hurtful at least a couple of times a day I must be in a coma. There's a whole life of habits that I'm trying to overcome here. Thankfully, I have Christ to walk it with me. To carry me a lot of the time.

About the person I started that relationship with a couple of years ago. Leticia. Now Leticia Stevens. Somehow I ended up talking her in to marrying me back in November. When I say God works miracles in my life this one just might take the cake. On September 7th, we are going to be baptized together in front of our community of Christ Followers. God is good. He is so good.

The next thing I have to write out is a testimony. I think that I have to read it before they dunk me. That should be interesting. I'll try to keep it clean. How about I just keep it honest. I'm ready for commitment. In more ways than one.

Stuck In The middle

I wonder if I have stepped into a little dilemma with my blog. Too "Christian" for the poker player. Too "earthy" for the christian. Not that it matters. It's "my journey" after all, and this is where I am at. Sometimes it's a little hard for me to delineate where the line is.

The real great thing that I have found by doing a LOT of blog reading is that I'm not alone. One of the benefits of Pastor Ed starting his blog is I have stumbled into some great Christian blogs as well. Actual humans with frailties (that they openly talk about) writing that it isn't always easy to follow God but that the benefits are truly worth it.

I've been experiencing God in really "of this world" kind of ways a lot lately. I'm not sure it's because I've been praying, asking God to show himself to me because I am of such little faith that I need the tap on the shoulder every once in awhile to let me know that he is really there. Amazingly enough, he has been.

Letty and I have taken up the spiritual practice of tithing as it was so eloquently explained by Pastor Mike a few weeks ago at Journey. It made sense to me so we talked about it. as per normal, Letty was way ahead of me, instantly agreeing.

It's hard to give up 10% of one's money when you barely feel like you are making it as it is. After child support and insurance my check is about 35% of my gross. It was a big step for a guy like me who equates money with security to give up any more than what I felt comfortable with. I think that's the point though. A life of taking up the Cross and following Christ isn't and never was meant to be the softer way. I think that's a big misconception that I had when I first became a Christ follower. This isn't easy. Not that living the life of a drug addicted, alcoholic, womanizing gambler was easy but it was comfortable in that familiar, survival mode kind of way.

We have been doing it. Amazingly, and true to what Pastor Mike said, Letty and I have made the rent, paid our bills, and been managing to eat and keep enough gas in the car to get to work as well. Even got the brakes on Letty's car fixed. Where did the money come from? You got me. I know the external sources of it (no, it wasn't a stimulus check lol, they took that away for back taxes) but it was definitely money that we weren't aware of that came to us. I'd like to think it's God going "hey, ye of little faith, see what happens when you just trust me a little?" I hope he has a couple more miracles here to get us through the next couple of months. We're probably going to need them.

The thing is, I'm beginning to really trust in the fact that God has not brought us this far to just drop us on our ass, and even if we do fall on our ass he will be more than willing to help us up and dust us off. He's good like that.

Of course the real proof would be if God could get the Padres to score a couple of runs every once in awhile and fix up that leaky bullpen. OK, o.k., one miracle at a time in your time Lord.

Final Table

I made a final table yesterday in a MTT. Even though I went out in 9th it was a great learning experience. I'd love to be able to win one of these things eventually. I've won in limit tourneys online but not NL. I am learning to play less borderline hands which I'm sure has helped me immeasurably.

I went out 65th in The Mookie. Man, I was completely owned by erin26. I kept getting involved in hands with her and kept getting the worst of it. I finally pushed with KQs and she called me with AK and an ace hit the flop to finish me off. It was one of those nights where I knew that I was getting outplayed. Oh well, better luck next week.

On the God front, all sorts of good things have been happening this week. First, the teaching pastor at Journey, Ed Noble, has started his own blog, Ed's Journey. This is the guy that really made me take my first steps toward being a Christ follower. It's been awesome to be able to get a thought or two from him during the week. Check it out.

The other great thing about Ed starting a blog is that I have found a lot of other great Christian blogs that have been linked to him or are leaving comments. That was one of the things I was struggling with before, finding Christ centered blogs that are similar to my own beliefs. I guess you do get what you pray for, sometimes you just have to be patient.

On the life front, I'm struggling. I'm not using, as a matter of fact I got 90 days a couple weeks ago. Just the same-o, same-o. Fighting depression, not content with what I have, a lot of fear about losing the little that I do have. Besides that, I'm great! I'm praying more frequently, I've taken a couple suggestions from the messages that I've received at Journey the last couple of weeks, and I'm trying to stay in line with what God's will is for me. It's a constant struggle for me to overcome my ego and my own selfish interests. It's something that I constantly have to ask God to help me with. The great thing is that He does. It's wonderful to get even a moment's break from my own self-obsession.