Struggle

One of my favorite blogs of the last couple of months has been Stuff Christians Like. Jon Acuff is an absolutely funny man. The thing is, that's not what I really love about him. It's the times when he turns off the funny and turns on the human that get me. His post this morning about polishing up our scars really hit home for me.

I'm forever doing this. Even on here. Not so much about my past. Anyone that has read me for awhile on this blog or my older one knows where I came from. Maybe it's not the scars that are doing me in. It's the fresh wounds that I seemingly willingly inflict upon myself that I can't share because of my embarrassment that I'm in the situation in the first place.

Even though I intellectually can comprehend that God's grace is there even when I slip up it doesn't make me feel any better at the time. I'm pretty new in my walk with Christ. I don't know The Bible. I don't even know if I'm supposed to capitalize "The Bible."

I don't even have any Christian friends besides my wife. I think that I just frustrate her. She's a Godly woman and I'm so far from that a lot of the time. I find myself constantly dwelling in my past or fearing the future. Being a drug addict it's fairly easy for me to slip into that line of thinking and not be able to stay in the present. That's when I get into trouble.

The kicker to the whole thing and maybe what I'm struggling with the most right now is that 99% of the time I'm doing the right thing. It's the circumstances of my life that are overwhelming me. Living the life that I have led there are consequences and they are kicking my ass right now.

My first instinct is to turn to my old ways. Either to get relief from the mental anguish or as a temporary solution to the permanent problem. I haven't done that. I keep asking God for the strength not to turn away from Him.

My second instinct is, well, I don't really know. That's where I get jammed up. I don't know. I don't know what the right thing to do is so I end up sitting on my hands. The positive thing for me is that I'm a seeker by nature. I'm trying to put good information and good ideas into my mind. Reading Christian blogs, going to church, trying to put myself out here and listen to what people that know more than I do have to say.

Jesus, I'm trying my best to keep my heart open to You. Please guide me through the pain and confusion that I feel in this world. I know that You alone are the answer. The light, the truth, the way. Restore my love for Your creation and not to live in fear. Keep me safe from the things that have destroyed me in the past. Lead me to victory over the evil that has conquered me in the past. Let me be a good husband, father, brother, and grandfather to my family. Hold me close to you, Lord. Amen.

5th of July

I'm back to work. What a drag. Can't I just play poker for a living? I'm tired. A couple of weeks off and my body isn't used to all the physicality of my job. I'll be alright. I've been so tired there's been no poker the last couple of days.

Not much God time either. There's church tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get filled up with The Spirit. I've been feeling kinda flat lately. That's no indictment of God. More an indictment of me not seeking Him. I'm half-ass praying (hmmm, I'm not sure if there's such a thing, but if there is, I'm there). I'm disappointed that I'm not going to be able to get my girls down here for the summer. I'm bummed about gas prices and just the cost of living in general. I keep trying to have faith that things are going to work out. They will. One way or the other.

Lord, keep me strong in doing your will and to take the actions that I need to without worrying about the results. Keep my family and friends safe in these uncertain times and deliver us from evil as you have been so lovingly doing. You ARE the way, the truth and the light. Please keep shining it so I can find my way through the darkness. Thanks for my life, your humble child, Paul.

Stuck In The middle

I wonder if I have stepped into a little dilemma with my blog. Too "Christian" for the poker player. Too "earthy" for the christian. Not that it matters. It's "my journey" after all, and this is where I am at. Sometimes it's a little hard for me to delineate where the line is.

The real great thing that I have found by doing a LOT of blog reading is that I'm not alone. One of the benefits of Pastor Ed starting his blog is I have stumbled into some great Christian blogs as well. Actual humans with frailties (that they openly talk about) writing that it isn't always easy to follow God but that the benefits are truly worth it.

I've been experiencing God in really "of this world" kind of ways a lot lately. I'm not sure it's because I've been praying, asking God to show himself to me because I am of such little faith that I need the tap on the shoulder every once in awhile to let me know that he is really there. Amazingly enough, he has been.

Letty and I have taken up the spiritual practice of tithing as it was so eloquently explained by Pastor Mike a few weeks ago at Journey. It made sense to me so we talked about it. as per normal, Letty was way ahead of me, instantly agreeing.

It's hard to give up 10% of one's money when you barely feel like you are making it as it is. After child support and insurance my check is about 35% of my gross. It was a big step for a guy like me who equates money with security to give up any more than what I felt comfortable with. I think that's the point though. A life of taking up the Cross and following Christ isn't and never was meant to be the softer way. I think that's a big misconception that I had when I first became a Christ follower. This isn't easy. Not that living the life of a drug addicted, alcoholic, womanizing gambler was easy but it was comfortable in that familiar, survival mode kind of way.

We have been doing it. Amazingly, and true to what Pastor Mike said, Letty and I have made the rent, paid our bills, and been managing to eat and keep enough gas in the car to get to work as well. Even got the brakes on Letty's car fixed. Where did the money come from? You got me. I know the external sources of it (no, it wasn't a stimulus check lol, they took that away for back taxes) but it was definitely money that we weren't aware of that came to us. I'd like to think it's God going "hey, ye of little faith, see what happens when you just trust me a little?" I hope he has a couple more miracles here to get us through the next couple of months. We're probably going to need them.

The thing is, I'm beginning to really trust in the fact that God has not brought us this far to just drop us on our ass, and even if we do fall on our ass he will be more than willing to help us up and dust us off. He's good like that.

Of course the real proof would be if God could get the Padres to score a couple of runs every once in awhile and fix up that leaky bullpen. OK, o.k., one miracle at a time in your time Lord.

Random Thoughts

I have never looked so forward to going back to work after my days off as I am today. I have spent the last couple of days (except for a couple hours at my NA meeting) cooped up in my bedroom reading blogs and playing online poker. I even fell asleep during the Padre game before we got the winning runs in the bottom of the 8th. Letty woke me up to tell me. I'm bored. If I was in a meeting I'm sure someone would point out to me that's because I'm boring. Maybe. Can't wait to get my bills caught up so I can have some old fashioned fun again. I am such a whiner.

One of the things I have been trying to do is to find some interesting christian blogs to read. Verily, I tell you, they do not seem to exist. I read over 40 of them yesterday trying to find just one funny, entertaining blog. I got a lot of conservative christian blogs. No offense, but that's not my cup of tea. I don't hate gays, drug addicts, alcoholics, or degenerate gamblers. I'm not real fond of pedophiles. I guess that's my big dislike. A lot of them seem to have this "us" against "them" attitude. Maybe it's a "holier than thou" thing. I think maybe it's because the ones that I have been reading have been Christians all their lives and I don't relate. Then there are the "bible study" or "theological" blogs which is like reading quantum physics. Snoooooooze.

I want to read about struggle. I want to read about how people apply their faith in real life situations when everything isn't going their way. I want to read about how people overcome their addictions and fall back but still persevere. I get more of that in the poker blogs that I read than the christian ones. People doubting their poker playing abilities but persevering through it till the next big pot.

I don't know about anyone else. I struggle with all of this. I know, I'm too much of a thinker. An analyzer. I've never been able to go "Oh, that's just the way it is." Some days my faith is great and sometimes it's not so great. I've been going to self help groups for 22 years. I should know that I shouldn't judge my insides on other people's outsides. Yet I do it again and again. Human nature I guess.

I'm thinking about looking for some recovery blogs today. Maybe I will find some hope over there with the rest of the dope fiends. Thank God for the poker people. They keep it interesting around here.