Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Pervert on Board

How to start off this post. I'm not sure. One of the things that you will find out about me is that I have this innate ability to be 100 percent self confessional. Even when it sounds silly. Even when it's something I would rather not admit to. Especially something that makes me lose all vestiges of any coolness you might have had of me. Enough. Let's get to the point. I got busted. Looking at porn. Absolutely ruined my weekend and almost my relationship.

Having said that I have absolutely nothing against porn. This isn't a "Oh my God, I'm sorry for my egregious sinning, please strike me with a lightning bolt" kind of posts. This is more of a "I know my girlfriend has a problem with it yet I ignored her wishes and did it anyway" kind of posts. That's the "sin". I know my girl absolutely hates it. She has issues with it. I did it anyway on our computer and she found out.

I'm at work on Friday night about midnight when I get a text on my phone. "YOU GOT BUSTED! IT"S OVER!" Then another telling me where my clothes and money were. As in, they and you are no longer in the house. She won't answer my texts or calls. I leave work because I'm more than a little upset about the situation and the welfare of my meager possessions. I get a hold of Anna (one of my best friends in NA, like my sister) and she comes and picks me up, takes me to where my things are, and takes me home with her.

She won't talk to me for 2 days. She will text me but won't tell me what I did. Here's where poker sometimes gets me in real life trouble. I'm not going to cop to watching porn if I'm not sure that is what she is mad about. I've got my poker face on and I think she's bluffing. Maybe some pre-menstrual stab at trying to get some weird ass confession of adultery from me.

To make a long story somewhat shorter she finally breaks down on Sunday evening and shows me the nuts. The stupid sites I was going to were leaving cookies on the computer. I had no idea. She has me dead to rights but I'm still pissed. I was still displaced for 2 days. I missed a couple of days of work. I had to inconvenience my friends and my pops. I don't even think of watching porn as a moral issue.

Here's the rub. She does think of it as a moral issue. She thinks of it as a sign that if I lie to her about this I will lie to her about something else. She hates the idea that I am looking at other women. She's Hispanic and pre menstrual. I know that. I should know better. I should take her feelings into consideration. I'm not always the best at that although I am getting better.

The final result is that we had a good long conversation about porn, lying, and our commitment to each other on Sunday night. Everything is straightened out for now. I won't watch porn. Not because their is anything wrong with it. Because it hurts my baby. She's too special to let get away. That's enough.

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