Starving Jesus

This is so rare as to be unprecedented I think! Two posts in one day. Here's the deal. I'm playing in a poker tournament on the internet, reading blogs when I stumble into Holy herectoclite's blog. I don't even know if I spelled that right but it's close. Anyway, there is this video on there about two young preachers from http://www.xxxchurch.com/ that go on a 40 day fast and a 40 day tour of the country. It's an amazing thing to watch and also for a good cause. If you have an hour (I know, almost impossible anymore) check it out. I am so glad that I did. Maybe the best video I've seen on the 'net. Here it is and I believe the website is http://www.starvingjesus.com/.





p.s. I won the tournament!!! See what a great video it was!

Alright, I can't make the google link work. If you REALLY want to check this out, type in "google starving jesus" and you will see the video link on there. I suck. Thanks.

Happy Birthday Grace!

Today is my youngest daughter Grace's birthday. She turned the big 9 today. Time sure flies. I guess that's pretty cliche thing to say when it's your kid's birthday. So maybe a few words about this child are in order.

She's my fourth and last daughter. Her mom and I met at work back in 1996. I had just been going through the breakup of my second marriage when I met her. We didn't actually date until about a year after that. One of the other girls in the office set us up. Michelle's one of the coolest chicks I have known, always willing to help people to the point of hurting herself and she has a great personality, very funny. We hit it off from our first date which involved entirely too much drinking. It was to be a harbinger of our relationship.

Michelle and I were both partying hard when we were together. When I say party I mean doing hard drugs and drinking like fish. With this lifestyle included all the other things that go hand and hand with this. The people, the places, and the things that go into the life of drug addicts. The only thing that kept us really reigned in was her daughter Nat. I don't know what would became of us if she hadn't been there keeping us somewhat grounded.

With the drugs and drinking started coming the fighting. Whether it was over money, or just one or the other's hallucinations about what was happening things started to break down between us. We had been living together and I left a couple times to get out of the situation but would always cave in and go back. It was becoming a vicious cycle. We lived like this for about 2 years. We also worked together which only aggravated the situation. We were together 24/7.

Around the end of '98 I started to clean up again. I could see that my life was falling apart and I was heading to the end of the road pretty fast. I moved out of Michelle's for the last time and moved in with a friend from the program. Michelle and I saw each other at work and continued to sleep together. Then one day she came up to me and told me she was pregnant. She said that she was going to have an abortion. It would have been her second abortion of one of our children. Please forgive me Lord, I didn't tell her not to have one. I didn't encourage it but I didn't say no. I was more concerned with my own life at the time than having a fourth kid with a third woman. To me, it felt like my life was REALLY being ruined. She told me she was having an abortion and we left it at that.

The next day she called and said that she had talked to her sister. Her sister convinced her to have the baby. Thank you God for your miracles, even if we don't see them at the time. We decided to give our relationship one last shot. That failed miserably. There had been too much pain and hurt on both sides.

The day we broke up it was simply "Look bub, I know you are clean and I don't want to bring you down. You need to be with your friends in NA. I don't want to be with you anymore." I just nodded and left. My heart was broken. Another failed relationship and this one with a baby on the way. I might have only been about a month or so clean at the time. The next year would end up being as rough a time in my life clean as I have ever had. I had to deal with the idiots at work giving me a hard time about why my pregnant girlfriend would break up with me. That's a pretty good shot to a guy's ego. That and trying to stay clean plus having to look at her every day like nothing was out of the ordinary. Thank God I only lost it a couple of times that year. Oh, and I never picked up either. Thanks NA friends!

It was a weird pregnancy for me because I wasn't involved at all with the process. Not doctor's appointments, not picking things out for the baby, just being told things in a cool professional business manner. Like her name. Grace. As much as I love her name today, when I first heard it I was like ugh! Grace. Gracie. Gangstah Gracie. It soundel like a hispanic hyna's name. It was just one more thing that I had to accept.

Grace was born on September 16th, 1999. It was a c-section. I wasn't part of all that. I sat in the waiting room like anyone else. I finally saw my little girl when they brought her to the window for me to see her. I got to hold her and whispered in her ear how much I loved her and how I would always be there for her even if I wasn't with her. Believe me, it was hard knowing that I wasn't going to be an everyday part of her life right from the very start. This is one of those times I think when God was really carrying me even when I didn't know it. How I made it through the next year working with her and dealing with other people seeing my daughter more than me and people partying with Michelle I don't know. It took everything I had to rise above my angerness and bitterness.

I finally quit the company that we worked at together which made things a little bit better. I was busy starting a new business which kept me focused on work and not much else. I'd get Grace every once in awhile the first year. She was just an infant and Michelle didn't want her to be gone for too long. Which I understood. I've never been one to start problems with the mother's of my children. I always figured whatever problems I started with them would just trickle down to my kids. I was really involved in NA at the time and was doing pretty well with work and with life. I even started up 66ohm at this time. I didn't realize this at the time but I was trying to keep myself busy 24/7 so that I wouldn't have time to think about what had just happened. It worked for awhile.

Unfortunately, I picked up again around 2003. The band was going full steam and I was in bars more than I was in NA meetings. I started drinking. Then I ran into my son's mom. Which is a story for another time and place. It's when I re-discovered drugs and fell back into the abyss. I saw Grace less and less frequently. I didn't want her to see me all strung out. I don't even know if I would have had the patience. Michelle wasn't doing much better, but she did the best she could. She was sinking deeper into her disease as well.

I got clean again in 2005. I reconnected with Grace and started getting her more frequently. Then I fell out of contact with them. Michelle was really struggling. I didn't have any way to pick up Grace and Michelle rarely called me back to see if she could bring her over. Then almost a year ago, I called Michelle and she sounded different. She told me she was going to NA and had been clean a week or two. I'll tell you this, Michelle getting clean is one of the biggest miracles I have seen God perform. If I was a betting man (OK, I am a betting man) my money wouldn't have been on the "Michelle gets clean in NA" line. Sadly, I would have chosen the ends up in an institution or dead line. That's just the way it was.

Almost a year later she's still clean. We get along great. Grace comes to church with Letty and I every week and digs it. God has truly worked a miracle in Grace's life. Both her parents clean. Who would have thunk it?

As for Grace, let me tell you a little about her. She has a servant's heart. When I take her to the sunday school program she immediately goes to work. When I come to pick her up she's always working the little redemption store they have in class. She is absolutely sweet and funny. Almost too earnest for a kid that's seen so much. You would think she would have a little more edge to her with parents like us. She doesn't. Her name says it all. Grace. She's full of it. I don't think anything makes me happier than just hanging out with her. I'm at peace.

Holy cow, what a long post. Grace, you are worth it. You always have been worth it. Through everything we've been through my beautiful little daughter I have loved you and only wanted what's best for you. I'm so grateful that God has mended your mom and me so that we can be good parents to you. Well, at least better parents. My heart breaks everytime you leave to go home sweetie. The only hope is that I get to see you the next week. I hope that you have a great birthday honey. I love you!

Song Of The Week #2

Today's song is Set the World on Fire by Britt Nicole. I just love the vocals and guitar on it. I think the lyrics are so full of hope and of the power that God puts in us to change the world. You hear Britt sing this song you WANT to go set the world on fire and believe that you CAN do it. The version of the song I picked is awesome. It's just her and a dude playing acoustic guitar in a Christian radio studio. This girl's no joke. She's got some pipes. Enjoy!




"Set The World On Fire"

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

[CHORUS]

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me
I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I can't do
I'm gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

I'm not sure if she wrote the lyrics or not. I will have to check that out. Either way, good song and good artist. Although I haven't really dug anything else I have heard by her.

Wednesday Words vol. 2

A whole lot of nothing going on here. Doing a lot of reading, playing some online poker, sleeping and working. I'm thinking about picking up my guitar and start playing for at least a half an hour a day. I want to get back to performance level again. You have to start somewhere.

God and I are doing splendidly. I've been reading his book and man, can He tell a story. I'm in the beginning of Exodus, as a matter of fact I'm at the point where Pharaoh and his army have just gone for a swim in the Red Sea. AS if that scene isn't the setup for every Tom & Jerry and Roadrunner episode I have ever seen. mee-meep!

At Journey we have started a new series called The Other Joseph. I'm enjoying it since I just got out of the end of Genesis a couple of weeks ago. I'm not talking about Invisible Touch, I mean the first chapter of The Bible. Joseph's story is about a guy who keeps really taking some tough shots early in life but doesn't leave him embittered. I would think that it would be easy to let the situations and circumstances of our lives swallow us up. Joseph wouldn't allow this to happen to him. He knew that God had a plan for him and stayed the course.

I'd love to play some live poker sometime in the next couple of months. We have just been broke as heck and I can't be off playing poker for real money. God's taking care of us though. It's amazing what can happen when I put my trust in Him. I am playing online for pennies and at least it keeps me busy. My tournament action has been atrocious but I've been doing well in the cash games. I think I need to dial back my aggression in tournaments a little. My middle tournament play is really something to be desired. I need to tighten up a bit.

Kids are all in school now. Faith and Precious are in Kindergarten. Grace is in 4th. Beckah is in 7th and Kassie started high school. Rachel is working full time over at Long's and is doing a great job raising my little grandson Jeremiah. It's always nice when all the kids are doing well.

OK, I probably could look this up on the Internets, but here's my question.

What's God's deal with unleavened bread?

Song of the week

I usually pick a new song for my myspace page every week. A song that's touched me. I'm thinking that maybe I will do that on here as well. I love how music touches me so deeply. Even before I was saved it was like that for me. Here's the one that's been calling to me at Journey lately. I had to look up who the artist was. Hillsong. Imagine that. Those cats can flat out write a worship song can't they? I'm not so enamored of their prosperity type ministry but I love their songs. If I had a top 10 I think they would have every slot except for a couple of Chris Tomlin and David Crowder tunes up in the mix. Anyway, without further ado, the song of the week:

You'll Come



Lyrics by Brooke Fraser

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

I have decided
I have resolved
To wait upon You Lord

My rock and Redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

We are not shaken
We are not moved
We wait upon You Lord
Mighty deliverer
Triumph and truth
We wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as Your word endures

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us

Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

What are some of your favorite worship songs?

Wednesday Words

I'm thinking it would be a good idea at least to check in here every Wednesday no matter what. Let y'all (and me later) know what's happening with me. Even when there's not a lot going on.

Letty and I aren't getting baptized on Sunday. I couldn't get the time off from work and I want it to be a celebration and not something where I'm nodding off before and after the baptism. I think the next opportunity will be in June. It's like my sister said when I told her, "Hey, you're still saved!" Amen to that Shelly!!!

As you can see by my poker bankroll, I am DOMINATING the .02/.04 tables on Pokerstars. I've increased my bankroll by 60% in the last week. That's right, I'm up to over $8.00 in cold, hard cash! What am I going to do with all that money? I think I can afford a value meal somewhere. I could also put 2 gallons of gas in Betsy. That was my Dad's name for her.

We lost an employee at work on Friday. I guy named Jim who had been working at my store for the last 15 years. He was the longest tenured guy on my shift. One of those guys that was kind of grouchy but had a good heart. I'm thinking he was in his 60's. He was from Ohio. He loved the Buckeyes, Browns, and Indians. He was diagnosed with throat cancer about 5 weeks before he passed. I know that he was a Christian, on his vacation he would go over to his church and work there for the week. Like I said a good dude. His funeral is on the 20th. I'll have to go and pay my respects. I miss having him around.

Home life has been good. Letty and I are talking more about things before they come to a head. I think that we both have crossed a bridge as far as our relationship goes. It feels good to know that someone has your back and that you have theirs. I think what I'm trying to say is that there is a deeper level of commitment than we had before. She sees that I'm doing good things and with a servant's heart. I will say that the hardest place in the world to be like that is my own home. Isn't that sad? I'm definitely making the effort that I wasn't making before in the household.

Some more good news this week is that the NFL is starting this weekend. Go Chargers!!!! If we can stay healthy this could be our year. Of course, we have been saying that the last couple of years. We were close, but The Patriots were just too much for us.

OK, I've learned a little trick from my other fellow bloggers. Ask a question at the end of your blog. I love it! Here goes...

Who's your favorite NFL team and why?

A Little Poker Content

I think that this may be one of the poorest times of my life, financially speaking. Although I am rich in many other ways, actual cash isn't among them. I'm cool though. I'm eating and the lights are on and the rent is paid and of course I still have the Internet. I just don't have any doing anything else money, which I'm not used to. That means as far as poker action goes, I'm low rolling online. I mean LOW rolling. Yes, the dreaded Pokerstars Freeroll tournaments. Full Tilt also. OK, OK, even Ultimate Bet. What can I say, I need some action.

Last night I made a big score on Pokerstars. They are having a freeroll Summer Games kinda thingy. USA vs. Canada. I'm not sure of all the details. The top 250 in the tournament win $5.00. That's right, you heard it here first, Five Dollars in cold hard cash! Well, Internet cash anyway. The top 50 move on to the next round of the qualifying on the 31st. It was limit hold 'em which is my game. I ended up cashing in 53rd. Three from the next round, but I got me my five dollars! That's literally days of poker playing goodness if I work it right. I've already bumped it up to OVER $6!!!!!!!!

Truthfully, if I can be satisfied just playing micro stakes and work myself up the ladder it could last me for awhile. It's definitely better than putting my own hard earned cash in. I think we'll keep track of what happens with this five dollars. Just to keep me accountable. Let's see. After playing some $ .02/.04 limit poker this morning I am up to $6.06. As my friend Daphne would say, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout baby!!!!!