Happy Birthday Grace!

Today is my youngest daughter Grace's birthday. She turned the big 9 today. Time sure flies. I guess that's pretty cliche thing to say when it's your kid's birthday. So maybe a few words about this child are in order.

She's my fourth and last daughter. Her mom and I met at work back in 1996. I had just been going through the breakup of my second marriage when I met her. We didn't actually date until about a year after that. One of the other girls in the office set us up. Michelle's one of the coolest chicks I have known, always willing to help people to the point of hurting herself and she has a great personality, very funny. We hit it off from our first date which involved entirely too much drinking. It was to be a harbinger of our relationship.

Michelle and I were both partying hard when we were together. When I say party I mean doing hard drugs and drinking like fish. With this lifestyle included all the other things that go hand and hand with this. The people, the places, and the things that go into the life of drug addicts. The only thing that kept us really reigned in was her daughter Nat. I don't know what would became of us if she hadn't been there keeping us somewhat grounded.

With the drugs and drinking started coming the fighting. Whether it was over money, or just one or the other's hallucinations about what was happening things started to break down between us. We had been living together and I left a couple times to get out of the situation but would always cave in and go back. It was becoming a vicious cycle. We lived like this for about 2 years. We also worked together which only aggravated the situation. We were together 24/7.

Around the end of '98 I started to clean up again. I could see that my life was falling apart and I was heading to the end of the road pretty fast. I moved out of Michelle's for the last time and moved in with a friend from the program. Michelle and I saw each other at work and continued to sleep together. Then one day she came up to me and told me she was pregnant. She said that she was going to have an abortion. It would have been her second abortion of one of our children. Please forgive me Lord, I didn't tell her not to have one. I didn't encourage it but I didn't say no. I was more concerned with my own life at the time than having a fourth kid with a third woman. To me, it felt like my life was REALLY being ruined. She told me she was having an abortion and we left it at that.

The next day she called and said that she had talked to her sister. Her sister convinced her to have the baby. Thank you God for your miracles, even if we don't see them at the time. We decided to give our relationship one last shot. That failed miserably. There had been too much pain and hurt on both sides.

The day we broke up it was simply "Look bub, I know you are clean and I don't want to bring you down. You need to be with your friends in NA. I don't want to be with you anymore." I just nodded and left. My heart was broken. Another failed relationship and this one with a baby on the way. I might have only been about a month or so clean at the time. The next year would end up being as rough a time in my life clean as I have ever had. I had to deal with the idiots at work giving me a hard time about why my pregnant girlfriend would break up with me. That's a pretty good shot to a guy's ego. That and trying to stay clean plus having to look at her every day like nothing was out of the ordinary. Thank God I only lost it a couple of times that year. Oh, and I never picked up either. Thanks NA friends!

It was a weird pregnancy for me because I wasn't involved at all with the process. Not doctor's appointments, not picking things out for the baby, just being told things in a cool professional business manner. Like her name. Grace. As much as I love her name today, when I first heard it I was like ugh! Grace. Gracie. Gangstah Gracie. It soundel like a hispanic hyna's name. It was just one more thing that I had to accept.

Grace was born on September 16th, 1999. It was a c-section. I wasn't part of all that. I sat in the waiting room like anyone else. I finally saw my little girl when they brought her to the window for me to see her. I got to hold her and whispered in her ear how much I loved her and how I would always be there for her even if I wasn't with her. Believe me, it was hard knowing that I wasn't going to be an everyday part of her life right from the very start. This is one of those times I think when God was really carrying me even when I didn't know it. How I made it through the next year working with her and dealing with other people seeing my daughter more than me and people partying with Michelle I don't know. It took everything I had to rise above my angerness and bitterness.

I finally quit the company that we worked at together which made things a little bit better. I was busy starting a new business which kept me focused on work and not much else. I'd get Grace every once in awhile the first year. She was just an infant and Michelle didn't want her to be gone for too long. Which I understood. I've never been one to start problems with the mother's of my children. I always figured whatever problems I started with them would just trickle down to my kids. I was really involved in NA at the time and was doing pretty well with work and with life. I even started up 66ohm at this time. I didn't realize this at the time but I was trying to keep myself busy 24/7 so that I wouldn't have time to think about what had just happened. It worked for awhile.

Unfortunately, I picked up again around 2003. The band was going full steam and I was in bars more than I was in NA meetings. I started drinking. Then I ran into my son's mom. Which is a story for another time and place. It's when I re-discovered drugs and fell back into the abyss. I saw Grace less and less frequently. I didn't want her to see me all strung out. I don't even know if I would have had the patience. Michelle wasn't doing much better, but she did the best she could. She was sinking deeper into her disease as well.

I got clean again in 2005. I reconnected with Grace and started getting her more frequently. Then I fell out of contact with them. Michelle was really struggling. I didn't have any way to pick up Grace and Michelle rarely called me back to see if she could bring her over. Then almost a year ago, I called Michelle and she sounded different. She told me she was going to NA and had been clean a week or two. I'll tell you this, Michelle getting clean is one of the biggest miracles I have seen God perform. If I was a betting man (OK, I am a betting man) my money wouldn't have been on the "Michelle gets clean in NA" line. Sadly, I would have chosen the ends up in an institution or dead line. That's just the way it was.

Almost a year later she's still clean. We get along great. Grace comes to church with Letty and I every week and digs it. God has truly worked a miracle in Grace's life. Both her parents clean. Who would have thunk it?

As for Grace, let me tell you a little about her. She has a servant's heart. When I take her to the sunday school program she immediately goes to work. When I come to pick her up she's always working the little redemption store they have in class. She is absolutely sweet and funny. Almost too earnest for a kid that's seen so much. You would think she would have a little more edge to her with parents like us. She doesn't. Her name says it all. Grace. She's full of it. I don't think anything makes me happier than just hanging out with her. I'm at peace.

Holy cow, what a long post. Grace, you are worth it. You always have been worth it. Through everything we've been through my beautiful little daughter I have loved you and only wanted what's best for you. I'm so grateful that God has mended your mom and me so that we can be good parents to you. Well, at least better parents. My heart breaks everytime you leave to go home sweetie. The only hope is that I get to see you the next week. I hope that you have a great birthday honey. I love you!

Steve Rapata

Who is Steve Rapata? Well, me originally. That was the name I was given when I was born. However, as the people that gave me that name quickly put me up for adoption, it wasn't destined to stick. I wonder what they called me the first 11 months of my life? Steve, Little Steven, Stevie, Baby #145, Shitbucket? Who knows? While I'm sure that it's pretty common not to remember your 1st year of life, I wonder how common it is (at least in America) not to know anyone else who does.

I was always under the assumption that when I was born they took me immediately away from my mother and put me in a, a, umm, I have no idea what you would call it. Orphanage? Geez. That wasn't what happened at all. That was what my Mom told me. She probably didn't want my feelings to get hurt.

I found out the truth after my Dad passed last November. It seems as if my birth parents were actually married and had taken me home with them. I don't know what happened exactly but about a month and a half later they brought me to the catholic social service agency that took me in and put me up for adoption.

It really doesn't matter and yet it totally matters. I'm up at 4 in the morning writing about it. Not that it's abnormal for me to be up this late since I work nights but it's my night off. I just noticed the date also. August 6th. The date when my parents finally got to take me home from the adoption agency. 1966. Just looking at that number makes me feel oooold.

What could I have possibly done as a newborn infant to make my birth parents give me up for adoption? Did I snore too loudly? Those that know me intimately know that I snore like a fiend, that could have been it. What, was changing my diaper inconvenient? Did I cry too much? My Mom said I was a very quiet kid, maybe I learned my lesson. Did I get in the way of their extravagant swinger lifestyle? I don't know if they had one, but knowing me and the way I am it's not out of the realm of possibility.

Enough of this then. Early morning introspection about why I'm so fucked up in the head and seemingly emotionally stunted are all made moot by the fact that I have a loving Father that has been watching over me the whole time. Through Him I've been made whole again. Because of His sacrifice I've been given Grace. Not just my baby girl Gracie but the true uncut 100% S-H-I-T. I'm sure that is pretty sacrilegious, but if you are a dope fiend you understand what I'm talking about. Maybe even if your aren't.

Mom and Dad Rapata, thank you. I'm sure that you did what you did for my welfare. Paul and Suzanne Stevens, thank you. Out of all the people in this world that God could have chosen to raise me, he chose you. He chose well. I miss you. Happy adoption day.

The cast is off.

At least while I am at the house. at work, I'm still using it because I'm afraid that I will re break it doing something stupid as I'm known to do. I don't always use the best judgement. Unbelievable, no? Life's been going pretty well lately. My two middle daughters have been calling and texting frequently and it's been awesome getting to know them even if it's from afar. My youngest daughter Grace and I have a standing date on Sundays to go to church together and hang out afterword so that is awesome as well. It's been pretty quiet on the Rachel (my oldest) front but I check out her myspace page frequently and it doesn't seem like there is anything major happening there.

Pokerwise, I haven't been doing much at all. I won a UB freeroll tournament against about 4500 others which earned me a grand total of $9 lol. 5 hours for $9. I guess it's the principle of the thing? Hmmm, not sure. Went up to Viejas on Wednesday for my first live tournament since January. Never really got going and was out after the second color-up. About 2 hands into it.

Letty and I have been doing well. Not fighting or arguing nearly as much as we had been doing the months prior. We are both beginning to trust each other a little more. Did I mention how good it feels to be typing this? I might be typing a lot more just to get my hand dexterity back to point. It's a pretty wild break. They call it a boxer's break. It's the metacarpal on my pinkie. On my left hand. I'm left handed. Sigh. I'm a little scared to use it too much.

NA convention is happening this weekend in San Diego but I probably won't make it down there. The San Diego Convention is weird because there is really no place to hang out and talk. It's just go to a meeting, stand outside, smoke 'em if you got 'em if you smoke 'em (I don't), then go back inside for the next meeting. It's cool because you see people there that you only get to see once a year. If I didn't have to go to work I probably would have gone but by the time I wake up there won't be any time. So off to work I go.

That's about it, I hope I can really start writing on this thing. I was a much more prolific writer when I was loaded than I am now. That goes for blogging and music. I wonder why that is? I think part of it is that I am wrapped too tight when I am not getting loaded. It's hard for me to dig underneath all my defenses when I'm clean. I'll just keep trying and leave the results up to God. How about that?

Ahhhhh.....

Finally got some air conditioning up in this crib. The A/C guy came yesterday and got it up and running. Thank God. It's been miserable here the last week and a half. The last thing I wanted to do was sit in front of a computer and type my innermost thoughts while sweating my balls off. Not only was I miserable, of course the other members of the household have been miserable as well. Leading to a "who is more tired and miserable" pissing contest at the house. At least between Letty and I. Tio Roberto is a gamer who doesn't complain about anything.

Pokerwise, have been slowly building up my mini poker bankroll. Playing in cash games mainly. Micro-limit limit poker. I'm a good limit player and I enjoy it. Hopefully I can build up my account money where I can play in some modest entry fee tourneys. I play the freerolls on Poker Stars and Ultimate Bet but they are such all-in fests that they tend to bore me and not make it worth the effort to play. Especially when it's 90 plus degrees in the house with no relief in sight.

Friday I went to church and Pastor Ed talked about grace. The subject of grace always chokes me up a bit. It's like I can be flying 100+ miles an hour in my mind full of my self and my needs and my desires and my triumphs and someone can mention grace. Something you can't earn. An unrequited gift from God. For a person that lives the life that I have (and still do) grace is a life preserver. He used a great parable to describe how grace works and why it is such a hard concept for humans to grasp.

Matthew 20:1-16

1"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. 2He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.
3"About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. 4He told them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.' 5So they went.
"He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. 6About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?'
7" 'Because no one has hired us,' they answered. "He said to them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard.'
8"When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, 'Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.'
9"The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. 10So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. 11When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. 12'These men who were hired last worked only one hour,' they said, 'and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.'
13"But he answered one of them, 'Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? 14Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?'
16"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

One of the key points that he wanted us to take from his sermon (I don't really like to call it a sermon, it sounds so formal, it's more like a talk) was, unlike the hired men, To celebrate God's generosity wherever we may find it. Grace frees us from jealousy and celebrating the grace in the lives of others increases our own ability to experience it.

The point that I took from it is I'm glad that I'm not getting what I deserve, but what God wants me to have through his love for me. Oh, and of course he is not talking about other blogger's high finishes in poker tournaments. I'm still allowed to be plenty jealous about that. ;)